Saturday, June 29, 2019


"And the Moon said to me - My darling, you do not have to be whole in order to shine!"

Taos - 29 June 2019 - Yesterday I called my genius computer friend, Dan Kuehn, and asked him if we could revive my Word Paintings blog - I was ready to tell my stories again.

Deleted this blog in March of this year.  Was saddened by all my old memories - disheartened.  Didn't feel well.  Just thought it was the onset of my dotage....the inevitable decline.  Had no clue what was on that rocky road of Life - WOW!  With all my heart I try to live a peaceful little life  - I wasn't looking for anymore drama - my Art Gods seemed to have other ideas!  Little did I know then that I was headed into another tornado season - a Dorothy and Toto time where the winds just pick me up and toss me about until I once again return to earth and am given another New Beginning.

Where do I start?  Last Christmas.  I wanted to be alone.  My son, John, had died on Christmas Eve four years earlier.  Faked cheerfulness until I could no longer fool myself - I wasn't being honest.  Needed to really feel my feelings - the loss - take my life back from that deep grief.  The clouds began to part.  Read about the Swedish ritual of "death cleansing".  Began another purge of the odd bits and pieces I once thought were necessary to make me happy.  Made my Will, Power of Attorney - put it all into a binder.  Feeling ill - made it through those days with great difficulty.  Yes, this is how it happens - you get old, you get sick and then you die.

Planned to have my hair cut the afternoon of April 11th.  Wrote out the check - my friend came over with her scissors - gave her the check and told her not to come in because I had the flu.  In the course of the afternoon sickness overwhelmed me and I called my friend and helper, Doug Yeager, to take me to the ER.  We waited and waited.  Finally  I suggested he get some Gatorade and take me home.  He shook his head "NO"! His refusal to leave began a series of events that would save my life.  Was put in the care of Dr. Sara Bush. After taking my vitals and Xrays, she told me I needed to be airlifted to UCHealth in Colorado Springs.  Unable to find anyone locally, she put me in an ambulance to the Taos airport at two that morning. Her quick decisions and actions are the reason I'm still here!

Once the plane was in the air, it was time to surrender it all - serious thoughts of dying had been with me often since John died.  Here was my chance - I could let go at any time - I felt very peaceful.   I truly wasn't afraid.  Had just read a book called This is How I Save My Life, "as long as there is breath in your body, just keep moving".  Listening to the sound of the plane engine that night, with absolutely no control of this outcome, I let go!  I would take this experience one little step at a time.  There was a big painting of a tree on my easel back at home - I began thinking of that  canvas, painting it in my head...

Emergency Room, bright lights, doctors, nurses, gurney - wheeling me around from one place to another. Admission - great nurse, calmed me down -  floating into the Big Unknown.  Surgeon Dr. Fair explained that the surgery I needed was rare and complicated.  A large stone had migrated from my gallbladder and was causing a full blockage - life-saving operation at the hands of this young man who looked like he could be my infant son!  Another angel in green scrubs!  They removed my little gold hoop earrings, gave them to a stern security guard for safe-keeping.  The anesthesiologist put a big patch on my back for the Fentanyl and I was sent to sleep with my guardian angels for a while - just so they could work their life-saving magic!  Let the healing continue....!   

1 comment:

  1. Oh my goodness, Donna. My circumstances are different; however, I'm at a point in life where I've had very similar thoughts about death, life, etc. Being older is quite a trip, isn't it! I feel your sadness, & am not sure I'd want to go on if I lost one of my sons, though one of them has cut me out of his life. Recently almost lost him to a heart attack. I would have done anything to help him & his family. Sadly, I must stay away. So, I'm left with tending to myself, & not always sure I want to. Reading your words, and having the love of my other son pushes me forward to remembering each day is a gift, & try not to squander it. Much love to you!



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