WORD PAINTINGS #94 - LISTENING TO MOUNTAINS II

There definitely is a certain poetry to life and it is usually discovered through the distance of time.  Waking up to reality, deep awareness is not for everyone.  I did not choose to wake up and gratefully scotch was helping me stay numb to many events from my childhood.  Debilitating panic attacks were frequent visitors.  Many were triggered by the presence of Ernie's loaded guns all over our house.  He had developed Grave's disease, had surgery; as he was recovering, developed a growing paranoia.  I wanted to stay to help him, but feared for the safety of my children.  That divorce destroyed our family in 1979.  The word "stalking" was not part of everyday vocabulary, but Ernie was around every corner for the next two years. One day he  appeared at my kitchen window at 6AM staring at me as I fixed my coffee.  His behavior became very menacing.  More drinking, more numbing myself out, more searching for answers.  I felt trapped in a downward spiral and feared there was no escape.

For one or two hours every Sunday I found a certain comfort and sense of safety at a New Age church service at the Santa Fe Women's Club.  Met a lady named Elizabeth Couse from Taos, the granddaughter of well-known painter E.I. Couse.  Elizabeth was a nurse at the Embudo Treatment Center.  Stay with me here - it eventually all comes together - miracles do happen!

There was cake and coffee after  the final song "Let there be Peace on Earth, and let it begin with me..."  I clung to every hopeful word! One Sunday a tall pleasant man introduced himself and over the course of several months we became friends.  Everyone at the church spoke very highly of him and I began to feel comfortable in his presence.  This was not a match made in Heaven for either one of us - we carried separate baggage and  totally different agendas.  The minister from the church married us.  Ironically, she knew his entire history and kept his secrets.  If she had told me about his past, the rest of my story would be a blank page.  The Universe works in very mysterious ways!

September 17th, 1982 - Truchas, New Mexico.  We emptied the pick-up trucks of cartons and began our new lives on the horse ranch at the end of a narrow dirt road that led to the Land Grant from the King of Spain.  Miles away from Santa Fe I breathed great sighs of relief.  The noise of my city life began to retreat into the background.  The panic attacks were less frequent as were the instances of recovered childhood memories.  Excitedly I unpacked my paints and brushes.  Enthralled by the beauty all around me I went to work on some new canvases as soon as possible.  I really wasn't fully aware that my life had been profoundly changed and I could never ever return to the old version of myself.

Each day was a new discovery - a new adventure.  Our neighbors generously shared the history of the village and their family stories.  A deep connection to this village began to build.  It certainly helped that the Pope and I were Polish - no other introduction was necessary!  My new landscape paintings opened wonderful doors - opportunities to know another culture. I felt so privileged to be a guest in this amazing place! 

Truchas is an agricultural community -  In spring the fields are plowed, the seeds planted.  Parcientes gather in teams to clean the acequias.  Livestock is herded  to lush summer pastures higher in the mountains.  As autumn approaches preparation for winter begins.  Chainsaws and pick-up trucks - cords of wood stacked neatly beside the adobe houses.  In this place a man's wealth is judged by the size of his woodpile!! Fields of hay are baled.  Pantry shelves groan under the weight of Mason jars filled with fruits and vegetables - hopefully enough to get through the winter. Livestock returns to lower fields.  Bales of hay are stacked  high in sheds and barns.  Fences are repaired and life becomes a silent preparation for the snowy days ahead.  

Watching and listening, I began to understand the self-sustaining nature of life in the mountains. Rhythm of the seasons, everyday routines gave life meaning and purpose.  After a time my friend Margaret Jamison would refer to Truchas as my spiritual home!   I never wanted to leave!!! 

WORD PAINTINGS #93 - LISTENING TO MOUNTAINS Part One

 

7 June 2020 - Llano Quemado, N.M. - Caught up in all the drama and chaos of these past three months - have been self-isolating since the beginning of March.  Relearning how to live on my own....laundry, mopping and the damned dishes!  Can't comprehend the scope of the death from the virus and the destruction of civility due to the protests.  Wondering if no one ever read the book or seen the movie Serpico?  Wasn't anyone filled with fear for our country during the protests in Ferguson when the police showed up in full military gear sitting on top of tanks with machine guns aimed at the protestors?  Why were people shocked to see "spare" tanks from the Pentagon rolling down streets of Washington?   Now we have a "secret police force"!!! Question: Where do we go from here?  Life in America is forever changed!

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LISTENING TO MOUNTAINS.....

“I have an idea that some men are born out of their due place. Accident has cast them amid certain surroundings, but they have always a nostalgia for a home they know not. They are Strangers in their birthplace. Sometimes a man hits upon a place to which he feels he mysteriously belongs. Here is the home he sought, and he will settle among scenes that he has never seen before, among men he has never known, as though they were familiar to him from his birth. Here at last he finds rest.” – W. Somerset Maugham THE MOON AND SIXPENCE

17 September 1982 - Truchas, New Mexico - The first snow on Truchas Peaks.  We arrived at the horse ranch late afternoon -  the small Hansel and Gretel cottage, an enormous horse barn, a mobile home and a gypsy wagon on 20 acres. At the end of the property was a gate leading to the land grant from the King of Spain. .  This place was called Llano Quemado - "suburban" Truchas with a population of about seventeen stalwart souls. The snow clouds shifted and swirled with the strong winds. All the moving boxes were piled up in the horse barn. There were two huge sliding doors which opened onto a dirt road and the deep arroyo that separated us from our nearest neighbor.  I sat on a ledge and watched the mountain, knowing that no matter what circumstances brought me here - this place is where I needed to be!

Life is a mystery, isn't it?  Only when one can look through the long lens of many years can we begin to pick up some of the puzzle pieces and put them where they belong.  I don't believe in accidents!  Prior to this move, I tried  all the New Age movement had to offer - right down to the Course in Miracles. Magical thinking. Am not dismissing any of it, but nowhere did I get the hint that not drinking might be the answer to my many problems.  Instead I found a new partner who eagerly encouraged my fantasies of leaving Santa Fe and living in a small village in the mountains.  AAers call this  a "geographic" - moving to greener pastures - problems solved.  Tell God your plans... 

Once the cartons were unpacked some of my city confusion began to lift.  The ranch was for sale and we agreed to clean it up.  We gathered and burned brush and cut back the scrub oak.  My painting studio was set up in the office of the barn.  Mayordomo Cosme Romero, his wife Carmelita and daughter Susie arrived one afternoon to introduce themselves....the first of many visitors to see the new Truchas paintings.  My Santa Fe gallery wasn't the least bit enthused - there were no cowboys or Indians!  Was fully expecting them to recognize my genius in this new work. My painting sales were the only income expected to keep this fragile enterprise afloat! Oh, don't worry, tomorrow is a new day - have another drink and let's watch the bills pile up!

Adventures major and minor...trips to Santa Fe or Taos for groceries and supplies. We adopted an ancient wild mustang from Los Alamos - his teeth were bad and he was rib cage skinny. Used to roaming free he took great umbrage at being penned. To show his disapproval one morning, he bit Mr. Wonderful in the balls and knocked him to the ground. He didn't get much attention from the man of the house after that humiliating wounding.   The famous pink mustang died not long afterward - I was alone at the ranch on the morning he went to those big open spaces in the sky.  Did not know what to do with a dead horse!  Called my across the arroyo neighbor and asked him if he had a back hoe to dig a grave. He was too polite to laugh, said he would bring his truck and pull him down the road to the Land Grant - a form of Tibetan "sky burial".- I loved that old horse!

That winter we were stranded on the ranch over the Christmas holidays - 3 feet of snow and the plows  only came through when the schools reopened. Reading by the little fireplace in the cottage, painting in the barn - a quiet time.   Big mountain lion paw prints in the snow and black bear tracks down by the pond.  This ranch life was definitely an adventure!  Another toast to Good Times!   

WORD PAINTINGS #92 - INTO THE GREAT UNKNOWN

Llano Quemado, New Mexico -   Unable to think of much else since making the decision to go ahead and share my experience, strength and hope.  Have tried to talk myself out of this, but the urge to persist is with me every day now.  Perhaps there might be just one other woman out there struggling during this pandemic, I want her to know that she is not alone!  There are sisters all over the world who share her experience.  There is no greater understanding than that of women in recovery - a strong life-long bond.....light at the end of that long and very dark tunnel....each day is a New Beginning. 


Thirty-five years ago there were treatment centers, group AA meetings, one on one sponsor support.  Help was available 24/7.  Those support systems have changed, broken down.  Am certain that chat rooms, Zoom meetings, texting and messages to sponsors, phone calls are replacements for the old ways in order to maintain social distancing.  Could these few chapters of Word Paintings be helpful?  This is my way to pay it forward and thank all those generous spirits who shared their stories with me so long ago.   

Santa Fe, 1978 - There was that first day when I knew alcohol had me and, even though I tried mightily to give it up every hour of every day, I kept going back for more.  My second husband was leaving for work.  I stopped him at the front door.  "I have a problem.  I can't stop drinking. Please help me."  He looked at his watch and said he didn't want to be late for school.  Prior to this revelation I had begged him to go into counseling with me but he refused.  That night he came home with a special gift - a vintage bottle of Chivas Regal.  A stark realization that this battle was mine alone.  It took six years of being "out there" before I surrendered and asked (begged) for the help I needed.

In the beginning of our marriage life was great - we were a happy family!  Ernie had some serious surgery sometimes in the late seventies and developed episodes of extreme paranoia.  At the end there were loaded rifles in every room in the house and a revolver under Ernie's pillow.  Tensions ran high; sensing danger, I knew it was the end. A long, long and very sad tale. Life took over and I needed to take my children to a safer place. We moved to a rented house nearer to their schools.  As much as we tried to make the best of this time - it was dark and scary for all of us.  A divorce did nothing to relieve the anger and bitterness of our situation.   As much as I tried I could not stop drinking....if anything our problems intensified the situation.

I have a metaphor for marriage - it is a large honeymoon suitcase.  Before embarking on Life's journey together, the groom packs all his experiences and emotional baggage and the bride does the same.  Without realizing it, all their damaged parts become one big weedy tangle of unresolved issues.  Both Ernie and I were emotionally damaged people.  If we could have had an opportunity to sit down face to face with a counselor prior to our marriage to share the unvarnished truth of our childhood lives  (Truth and Reconciliation) we would have avoided marriage and just stayed the best of friends.  Hope springs eternal, doesn't it?  Ah, romance....divorce.

Thus began my search for sanity.  Once I admitted to having a problem, I tried everything to make life better for us.  Denial was so strong - I thought Life was the problem. If only I could make things right. Counselors, astrologers, tarot readers and eventually Ernest Holmes' Church of Religious Science were little steps.  Six years of turmoil and confusion....always searching for the missing parts of me.  It honestly never occurred to me that drinking was my problem - even during my childhood alcohol was essential to any and all happy times.   Drinking no longer me happy - I was miserable - sick and tired!  Denial is not a river in Egypt!!!

Sadly I couldn't keep anything together.  Promises to  do better, be better and stop my destructive behavior never seemed to produce a happy ending.  Absolutely everything fell apart, including my little family.  Many mishaps and adventures during those "lost" years.  Truth is they were never lost - they were being lived to the fullest while drinking.  Many paintings, some shows, a few workshops - oh, not to be forgotten is my brief marriage to a genial fellow I met at church! He turned out to be a Dateline Mystery Man with a huge secret suitcase full of darkness  We were drinking buddies.

Truchas, New Mexico - 1983 -There are no accidents! We moved to the horse ranch in Truchas. The marriage was irrelevant, the universe conspired to bring me to this place of healing - I never would have found it alone. This scary relationship was my first encounter with "rigorous honesty".  One morning I looked at this stranger and said, "Oh my God, you are my father!"  It was time for me to do "the work"!  From then on I decided to do whatever it would take to live life without alcohol.  I've read that once one makes a decision, the Universe supports and empowers that action. It has always been my belief that sobriety is my spiritual journey.  Life in that mountain place was my true New Beginning.  Living in nature began my healing process....a very long and winding road.  Hard work, serious doubts - one boulder at a time...

WORD PAINTINGS #91 - CLOUDS FROM BOTH SIDES NOW

26 May 2020 - Llano Quemado, N.M. - Sat in the sun on the old railroad bench in front of the house this morning.  A wide band of low clouds forming in the northeast over Taos Mountain and the Pecos foothills.  A matching bank of clouds slowly building over the low mountains to the southeast, beginning to form a circle - only a few hundred sky miles from meeting in the middle.  Some dark and rumbly-looking patches among the whiter billows.   As I look out the window now, they are still growing and building. Fingers crossed that we will have a big, juicy rainstorm this afternoon.  Weeks of drought - fire danger warnings for campers and hikers in the surrounding forests.

Life in the time of a Pandemic.....tomorrow is my day for a homemade haircut.  Read about the two symptomatic hairdressers somewhere infecting over 140 clients!  Wonky left hand due to arthritis will make this another "self care" adventure.  Bought most of my supplies for bread making.  Machine won't be delivered until August - a silicone bag for the ingredients and kneading the dough.  The exercise might do my old hands some good.  Remembering the days when I baked four loaves at a time - a great recipe for challah dough.  Challenging myself with old habits which need to become new again - did I just get lazy? Looking for some good soup recipes....

Wednesday marks my 35th year of sobriety. Struggling with the idea of sharing my story.  Truth is the memories are fast and furious as The Day approaches. Had my answer yesterday when I thought of what it would be like for anyone trying to overcome addiction during a pandemic.  Recovery programs are groups of people (at any stage of addiction) meeting in rooms large and small - newcomers and old timers sharing their stories.  Hospitals are not available for detox.  The foundation of the AA program is the sharing of one's experience, strength and hope.  It is possible that people will find ways to recovery with viral meetings and Zoom.  Once a person gets sick and tired of being sick and tired, a strong will to live - the life force kicks in - and there is an  willingness to go to any lengths to get healthy. 

My story is not unusual just made more complicated due to my stubbornness and denial....the good, bad and the not so pretty.  One day there was a 6'oclock news segment with Betty Ford and her family discussing their intervention.  Her husband and children told how they felt to watch her and all the ways her drinking affected their lives. With their help and support she  entered a treatment program for her addiction to alcohol and prescription pills.  Her body language showed no signs bravado,  just a quiet courage; an admission of powerlessness and great strength of spirit.  She touched my soul!   

Some years later Betty, her daughter Susan, and a slew of Secret Service men would visit my studio on Santistevan Lane in Taos and I had the honor of serving lunch for this amazing heroic woman . Over many years Betty's openness about her alcoholism and breast cancer saved thousands of women's lives.  Before this time women would go down the long lonely road of alcoholism without any roadmap to a better life.  The words "breast cancer" were only whispered and the diagnosis kept a dark family secret.  Betty opened doors to healing through alcohol treatment programs and mammograms.  She is one of the greatest women of our time!   This is the story of how her bravery and courage saved my life....I can never repay her. It is my hope that I can tell my story with the same courage and honesty.  It is definitely a long and winding road.....

GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE - AND THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN.

WORD PAINTINGS #90 - REBIRTH

24 MAY 2020 - Llano Quemado, New Mexico - An old habit of mine is to give permission to start life over anytime I experience major shifts or changes.  Turning 80 last year and after some major health issues, every day has been a New Beginning.  The minute my eyes open, I experience a delightful surprise.  Another day!!!  There was, however, a certain hesitancy to make plans for the "future".  My approach has become somewhat fatalistic.  When will "it" happen?  How close am I to that Big Easel in the Sky?  If I start this 36"x48" canvas....a thousand reasons to avoid living!

And then came the Pandemic!!!  All of a sudden, left to my own devices it became necessary for me to stand on my own two somewhat wobbly feet one more time.  As each day has passed, I realize that I've had enough energy and strength to reach a level of independence not experienced in a very long time.  Surprise, surprise! Bitching and moaning to myself before each "insurmountable" pile of chaos, lists I never could quite complete in a minute or less, I have chipped away a little bit every day!  "How do you eat an elephant?" - One Bite at a Time!  Instead of trying to do everything at once, I took small bites out of the biggest jobs like the taxes, filing piles of papers, etc. Afternoon naps have helped a lot! 

Last night I had this beautiful dream that I was nine months pregnant with a baby girl - just waiting for that first labor pain.  Hadn't felt movement in a while and worried that something had gone wrong.  All of a sudden I felt a strong bump to my rib cage - then my eyes opened to another beautiful New Mexico morning!

A great cup of coffee this morning and some amateur dream translation, I believe this is a message from my overworked Art Gods!  Whenever life becomes cluttered and confused, I struggle to find the door to a solution.  The more I struggle, the answers will elude me.  Taking life one step at a time - just putting my head down and doing the work the answers appear in the most amazing ways....my dream was about fertility.  Stop hesitating.  Adjust, adapt - CHANGE my thinking!  One painting at a time....

This social isolation has been a surprise - a gift of time to be clear about my choices.  Deciding not to grow a garden felt like a defeat - a concession to old age.  Last night the KOBTV weatherman said that northern New Mexico is under a severe drought now - high winds, fear of forest fires.  Enough energy to paint without doing battle with Mother Nature.  Good decision.  Buy a bread making machine, a new Epson large digital printer; put my head down and just do it! 

In between my Martha Stewart moments of cleaning and organizing, I have gathered source material - images - photos from recent field trips.  The fire has been lit one more time.  This is my New Beginning - this is the message in my  dream was to let go - Stop Hesitating!!! All I have is today!  Fresh mix of painting medium, a new palette and a list of art supplies to hold me until Christmas. 

May 27th marks my 35th year of sobriety.  Have been struggling with the decision to tell my story of recovery "How the Real Betty Ford Saved my Life" -- hesitating!  What if my story would resonate with another woman out there?  I need another dream...

Being alive is a total surprise, isn't it?

WORD PAINTINGS #89 - FROM DARK TO LIGHT!

21 May 2020 - Llano Quemado, New Mexico - One day it dawned on me that the way I painted (dark to light) was a metaphor for all of Life!  My darkest times have usually been followed by a blissful period of "enlightenment"...a time when I breathed a sigh of relief to have run the gauntlet and come out the other side not completely unscathed, but a lot wiser and eventually grateful for the lessons learned.

Over forty years ago a well-known landscape painter, Robert Clark, enrolled in one of my Craft of Painting Workshops.  I should have paid him for all his generosity... sharing his vast experience and knowledge of PAINT!  One precious gift was the 400 year old recipe for an Overnight Glaze Painting Medium used by the Italian Renaissance artists.  (Six ounces of Winsor-Newton English Distilled Turpentine, one ounce of Stand Oil, one once of Damar Varnish and one-quarter teaspoon of Cobalt Drier).

Up until the time I met Robert and his magic recipe, I painted Alla Prima - all in one sitting.  Gradually my methods morphed from the fast and the furious to a much slower and more thoughtful way of achieving light - a way to illuminate my subject matter so that the colors pop off the canvas.

First I use a "toned ground" - Payne's Grey and titanium white mixed to a medium value.  this brings the color down a bit so it doesn't look too "cartoony".  Also it eliminates those annoying white spaces around the subject matter.  I let the canvas "cure" for at least a week or longer - just let it sit to dry.

Next I either sketch the image loosely in Prussian Blue Oil paint, or go full color with MG Underpainting White, Turpentine, and oil color.  This part of my painting is the foundation - like building a house - strong composition - connection to my subject matter and the ability to "see" through the layers to the end result before I put the colors down. Since there is turpentine in the painting medium, I let the underpainting dry - no longer cool to the touch.

My palette of oil colors runs left to right - dark to light.  All colors can be thinned with the medium, but there is a Universe of possibilities in the dark colors.  WHITE DOES NOT MAKE "LIGHT"!!!!! It is the laying in of the darker and middle tones (mixtures of opaque colors and glazes) that create the foundation for the final juicy application of the highlights - the colors applied over the glazes.  Voila!  Life is good one more time!

There you have all my secrets to a happy life.  My way of painting isn't for everyone - it has just developed over time - no one taught me how to do it - it just evolved.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it!!!  Use the darkness for good -- every experience, every painting is a lesson learned. 

Going to the easel now.... trust that there is much light in all this darkness. One day at a time, one step at a time....

WORD PAINTINGS #88 - SPRING CLEANING

20 May 2020 - Llano Quemado, New Mexico - Turned off the heat, opened the windows, changed the bed - did the laundry.  Washed my summer painting clothes - linen pants, blue jeans.  Doing simple tasks for the past two weeks, trying to gain some equilibrium in what is being called our "new normal". Adjustments - adapting...patience.  Quietly listening, observing. 

Finished my Book of Last Wishes - a seven year coming to Jesus admission that I will not live forever.  A big relief - feeling lighter - it is done.  Now I can move onto this next phase of my life without leaving a mess behind when I go to that Big Easel in the Sky.  At peace.

The news is still dark and disturbing.  Much parsing of our Very Stable Genius' every word.  I sometimes stare in awe at the twisting and turning of the hosts of news programs and pundits trying so hard to make sense of insanity. Wonder how many people believe this craziness is normal.  Remembering an old Alan Bates movie The King of Hearts - at the end he knocked on the door of the insane asylum and begged to be taken in -obviously the people in that building were saner than the world he was leaving behind!  I got that feeling when I watched the gun-toting yahoos in the Michigan State House.  Could all this chaos and anger over a pandemic eventually morph into a civil war?  Sadly this time is rich in opportunity for those who want their own version of America the Beautiful!

Still clearing up little piles of Life around the house - odds and ends left over from the move last year.  So strange to be doing this alone.  Have had helpers for over five years ever since John died.  Long time friends and special people are Doug and Hope; it is unusual now to just meet them at the door avoiding our easy routine of chores and sharing lunches and good conversation.  Told them we will go back to our old routine the middle of June - wearing masks and keeping our physical distance.  In the meantime it has been very good for me to mop floors and do laundry - put my house in order.  I am so much stronger - my learned helplessness has been replaced by a new and healthy sense of independence - I love it!

What I know for sure is that life will never go back to "normal" after this.  Feeling that every person, every family will need to find their own path through this unfamiliar forest - no trail of breadcrumbs! Our old ways have come to an end.  Strangely this is a very hopeful time....this New Beginning hasn't taken shape.  Everything is happening so fast that we are still in a state of shock.  Mandatory hibernation gives us all the opportunity to assess our values - a time for physical and moral housecleaning.  What to keep - what to leave behind....

Personally I plan to leave behind the image of myself at the age of 40.  My mind still makes plans every morning for that younger version of myself.  Wishful thinking.  Those days of being Superwoman - I could go to the grocery store in the morning, clean the whole house, bake four loaves of bread before the children came home from school.  I worked at the law office and painted at night after the kids were in bed.  Art shows, galleries - How the hell did I do it?  I was a Human Doing!

Don't laugh - when all this started, panic took over.  All the talk of food shortages, scarcity.  I decided to make a victory garden.  Bought many envelopes and bags of seeds - grow bags.  Just as I was on the verge of making an order for soil and compost at Ace Hardware, I watched a video made by a local man who has a one acre "farm" which took him seven years to build!  Faced with the choice of filling up the blank canvases stacked up all over my studio space, or becoming Mrs. Greenjeans, I gave the grow bags and seed potatoes to my friend Hope and sent the seeds to my friends in Albuquerque.  They are thrilled and I am free to mix up some new painting medium today and get on with my real work, the paintings.  "FOCUS" is my word of the day. It is entirely possible that I still have some surprises to offer!

Stay healthy, my friends - imagine this Brave New World....oh, the Wonder of it All!!!!